Our Painful Task - To Grieve for Our Boys

It is heartrending to hear such tragic news. Last night, my reaction to the murder of Gilad, Eyal, and Naftali, H”YD was to cry. Today, I cannot forget, and the memory of these innocent victims of terror weighs heavy on my consciousness.

What are we supposed to do? How can we absorb such a loss?

Imagine a trapeze artist in the circus. He lets go of the trapeze to perform his routine, but he will always return to the trapeze (or fall). This is a metaphor for our job in grieving – to learn how to hold on to the memory and at the same time let go of the unbearable pain. This takes a lot of time.

Your initial reaction to loss might be pain, sadness, anger, numbness or denial. Whatever your reaction, there are some concrete steps that you can take to process what has happened.

Release your feelings: Tune in to what you are feeling. This may be obvious, or you might need to stop and spend some time with yourself. When you are tuned in, release your feelings in one of the following ways:

• Talk about it to yourself or to others
• Write it down, without censoring what come out
• Draw or paint or collage a representation of how you feel
• Compose a song or music
• Write a poem

Reach out for support: Choose someone who will be able to listen to you. Tell them “I need to talk about this.” Give a hug or ask for one. Reach out to your people, whether in person, by phone, or your social network.

Formulate a personal meaning from the tragedy: Many strong individuals and families have created meaning from their loss, transforming tragedy into inspiration. Whether using the tragedy to reach out and help others in similar circumstances or looking for spiritual answers, creating meaning is an essential task in grieving a loss.

Finally, I remember a quote by Rachel Naomi Remen: “Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life.”

Let us choose life.

Mindfulness and Self-Care

"Start living right here, in each present moment. When we stop dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, we're open to rich sources of information we've been missing out on—information that can keep us out of the downward spiral and poised for a richer life.” ― Mark Williams

Here’s my dilemma:

As a therapist, I value and teach self-care. However, as a busy mom, I can’t seem to find enough time in the day! How do I take care of my emotional needs, when there isn’t time to take a break or indulge in a fun hobby?

So, here’s what I did. I created the intention, a mental focus, to get maximum nurture out of what I’m already doing. How? By practicing mindfulness.  

Mindfulness is living with awareness. Mindfulness is being present in your own life in the moment. Amazing research has shown that engaging in mindfulness can improve health, reduce stress and increase happiness.

Here’s a mindfulness exercise that I learned from Dr. Dina Wyshogrod, founder of the Israel Center for Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (http://www.mbsrisrael.org) .  It has helped me focus on what is going on inside me when I feel overwhelmed, anxious, or anytime really. This exercise uses the acronym of STOP:

S-Stop what you are doing

T-Take a breath

O-Observe your thoughts, feelings, and sensations (for a couple of minutes)

P-Proceed (continue with what you were doing previously)

When you proceed, you are armed with awareness, with all the information that you picked up while you were observing yourself.   For me, that has made a huge difference in connecting to my body, my thoughts, and emotions. Once I’m connected, I usually make better decisions for myself.

You can try this out! Let me know what it’s like for you.

Summer Workshops

“Self-Exploration Thru Art”

Early Registration is Open for Summer Workshop!

Join the women who have already connected to their inner voice by attending an innovative 8-week workshop, using art therapy techniques to explore your identity.

Facilitator: Miriam Duskis, MA, Art Therapist

Workshop dates: Sundays, July 13 – August 31.

Located at The Place - The Jerusalem Centre for Emotional Wellbeing. Group size is limited, fully confidential, and no previous art experience is necessary.

Cost is 600* nis, including supplies.

*Register by June 15, 2014 for the early bird price of 570 nis!

For more information, call Miriam at 052-711-5224 or email miriamduskis@gmail.com

To register online: http://miriamduskis.blogspot.co.il/p/workshop-registration.html

Art Workzone: Art Therapy Helps, Heals, and Inspires Hope

New Workshops!

Registration is now open for new workshops beginning after Pesach!

Self Exploration Thru Art

8-Week Intensive Workshop

 
In this hands-on workshop, you will:

·         Explore the topic of identity through art activities and focused discussion. 

·         Examine your core beliefs and create goals for self-growth.

·         Discover what is right and wonderful about you.

Group size is limited, fully confidential and no previous art experience necessary. Weekly 2-hour sessions. Open to new members and past participants.

Facilitator: Miriam Duskis, M.A., Art Therapist

Workshop begins after Pesach 2014 at The Place – The Jerusalem Centre for Emotional Wellbeing. Cost is 480 nis, all supplies included.

For more information and to register, please call Miriam at 052-711-5224 or email miriamduskis@gmail.com.

What is your earliest memory?

“Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.”
― L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl

Most of us can recall something from age 3 1/2, although the exact age varies.  That’s roughly the age that the memory banks of the brain are mature enough to begin storing memories. For some, the earliest memory seems insignificant. For others, it is a recollection of an emotionally charged or traumatic experience.

What is your earliest memory?

How old were you?

Most people have a memory gap from infancy – age 3. We now know that despite lack of memory, these years are crucial to who we are and how we feel today.

If you were adopted as an infant, you surely don’t remember what that felt like. Nonetheless, experiences in infancy have a strong effect on personality and behavior. If you were adopted, and are experiencing emotional challenges, there might be a connection. 

Recently, there’s been a lot of media attention on an adoption case in Israel. Two years after an infant boy was placed for adoption, his maternal aunt requested a reversal of the adoption. Initially, the court agreed. Subsequently, the case went to the Supreme Court who ruled in favor of the adoptive parents.

This story is complicated, and reminds me of plant cuttings, a metaphor that I sometimes use to explain adoption challenges. Let me explain…   A cutting is a branch or stem that is cut off from an existing plant, placed in water or earth, and coached into growing new roots. This process of growing new roots from a cutting can take weeks or months and requires lots of care, in contrast to planting a regular seed.

Why am I mentioning this? Well, when someone is adopted, they have been cut off from their roots. Just like a cutting in nature, this child will require lots more care to grow and thrive.

In a survey of adult adoptees called “281 voices” (www.heartofthematterseminars.com), participants were asked “During childhood, how challenging was your sense of loss related to adoption?”

The responses were:

21% - Significantly challenging

18% - Moderately challenging

24% - Mildly challenging

37% - Not a challenge

In my private therapy practice in Jerusalem, I specialize in adoption issues for children and adults.

Art Therapy and PTSD

"Art can permeate the very deepest part of us, where no words exist." - Eileen Miller

Recent research has shown that art therapy effectively helps people suffering from trauma and can reduce the symptoms of PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Here is a short neuroscientific explanation of why this is so.

Human experience is stored in memory banks located on both sides of the brain. The left hemisphere of the brain stores explicit memories, which are consciously remembered and can be described in words. An example of an explicit memory is the kind of sandwich that you ate for lunch. The right hemisphere of the brain stores implicit memories, which are unconscious, sensory, and automatic. Reading, typing, or playing music are examples of implicit memories. You don't have to think about how to type, or remember the letters on the keyboard. It's automatic.

Trauma occurs when a person is faced with a perceived or actual threat to their existance. Because this is so overwhelming and frightening, people disconnect their mind from the experience as it is occuring, in order to survive.

As a result of this disconnection, the left brain shuts down and the trauma memory is stored on the right side of the brain. This doesn't mean that the memory is necessarily unconscious. What is does mean is that when memories of the trauma pop up, often sparked by sensory triggers, they are re-experienced with the same intensity and with the same disconnection as during the trauma, causing many of the symptoms of PTSD.

 

In order to work on the trauma in therapy, the memory must be accessed in the right brain and engaged in the left brain. In contrast to verbal therapy, art therapy engages both sides of the brain at the same time. As a result, the trauma memory can be accessed in the right hemisphere without shutting down the verbal part of the brain, and it can be gently discussed and processed.

 

Positive Life Events and Loss

“Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life.” Rachel Naomi Remen

We usually associate loss with negative events. Did you know that it’s possible to feel loss with positive life events as well?

Sarah had been married for a few months when she scheduled a meeting with her therapist to figure out why she was feeling sad and upset. After a little introspection she realized that she was missing the total independence she had experienced while single. Sarah was able to articulate how important this aspect of her life had been, despite her happiness at being married to her husband. She now had the tools to mourn what she was leaving behind and embrace her new identity as a married woman.

Every loss involves change. Most people are familiar with the loss inherent in death, divorce, or illness. But in reality, loss happens any time that change occurs, even “good” changes. Whatever is left behind in the change of life circumstances is experienced as a loss and may be accompanied by feelings of sadness, pain, or anger. However, because this is a result of a positive life event, the feelings of loss are often not acknowledged due to guilt or social pressure.

What happens when loss is felt but not acknowledged? These feelings that have been pushed away lie low in our psyche, waiting for the opportunity to burst out, sort of like a closed jack-in-the-box. Chances are that the feelings will break loose again, either after another loss, or when it becomes too difficult to hold them in. Our feelings are a channel for the energy within us. Blocking our feelings from being experienced blocks our energy and holds us back from moving forward.