“Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember
it.”
― L.M.
Montgomery, The
Story Girl
Most of us can recall something from age 3 1/2, although the
exact age varies. That’s roughly the age
that the memory banks of the brain are mature enough to begin storing memories.
For some, the earliest memory seems insignificant. For others, it is a
recollection of an emotionally charged or traumatic experience.
What is your earliest memory?
How old were you?
Most people have a memory gap from infancy – age 3. We now
know that despite lack of memory, these years are crucial to who we are and how
we feel today.
If you were adopted as an infant, you surely don’t remember
what that felt like. Nonetheless, experiences in infancy have a strong effect
on personality and behavior. If you were adopted, and are experiencing
emotional challenges, there might be a connection.
Recently, there’s been a lot of media attention on an
adoption case in Israel. Two years after an infant boy was placed for adoption,
his maternal aunt requested a reversal of the adoption. Initially, the court
agreed. Subsequently, the case went to the Supreme Court who ruled in favor of
the adoptive parents.
This story is complicated, and reminds me of plant cuttings,
a metaphor that I sometimes use to explain adoption challenges. Let me explain…
A cutting is a branch or
stem that is cut off from an existing plant, placed in water or earth, and
coached into growing new roots. This process of growing new roots from a cutting can take
weeks or months and requires lots of care, in contrast to planting a regular seed.
Why am I mentioning this? Well, when someone is adopted,
they have been cut off from their roots. Just like a cutting in nature, this
child will require lots more care to grow and thrive.
In a survey of adult adoptees called “281 voices” (www.heartofthematterseminars.com),
participants were asked “During childhood, how challenging was your sense of
loss related to adoption?”
The responses were:
21% -
Significantly challenging
18% - Moderately
challenging
24% - Mildly
challenging
37% - Not a
challenge
In my private therapy practice in Jerusalem, I specialize in
adoption issues for children and adults.
